Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Poop: It's The Shit.

It seems another incredibly cruel manifestation of modern culture has descended upon us: The Potty. Just as unfortunate, is the reality that, as humans, our psyche influences what we do. And it has a tendency to influence us negatively in certain situations. Situations that, in my opinion, would have been better left autonomous. No brain required. What I wouldn't give to have my son just squat and deliver, without ever having given it a second thought. However, he has given it a second thought. And a third. In fact, he has given it a TREMENDOUS amount of thought. He settled on "no". Not the kind of "no" that suggests there might be some hope of him changing his mind. Not the kind of "no" that hints at "hey, Mom! I'm a little shy...". It's the kind of "NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" that causes dogs to tuck their tails and lower their ears. The kind that shakes the paint loose from the walls, and reverberates into the stratosphere. The kind that makes a Mommy crazy. Like this Mommy.

But no matter the persistence with which this child has dedicated himself, the fact is, humans need to take a shit. It's a biological necessity. Without doing so, humans can become constipated, and in some cases, suffer a perforated bowel. Which, in turn, can become infected and render said human septic. Not a good look for a 4 year old.

So, armed with only the knowledge that taking a dump is essential to health, and consequently, life, I have contacted my son's pediatrician. He has prescribed 2 caps full of Miralax, twice daily for 3 days, then 1 cap full daily. In addition, he's suggested 1 teaspoon of milk of magnesia (MOM), 3 times daily for 3 days. These medications are to be given in conjunction with one another. To clarify, BOTH medicines are to be started on the same day.

He has also stated that my son should sit on the potty for 10 minutes, every hour, and additionally, 10 minutes 20-30 minutes after meals. Time to crunch some numbers.
Everyone loves a word math problem, so here goes...

If patient A sleeps each night for 9 hours, and takes a 2 hour nap each afternoon, and eats 3 times daily, how many minutes out of patient A's waking hours will he spend on the potty? (multiply that, carry the 1...) It comes to 2 hours and 40 minutes a day. On the potty. Daily. This is where a maid would come in handy, as I know not where to fit in all those other minor, daily chores, like laundry, carpool and making dinner. You know, all that piddly little shit. Unlike that gigantic shit I'm stalking. But, hey! Kid's gotta' poop. Tuna casserole can wait.

Join me next time, as I explore the subtle yet important differences between laxatives and stool softeners. (Crosses her fingers for a sponsorship from Fleet.)

The Poop Scoop

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Seriously?!? The IRS Withholds Less!

It's been a little over a month since I've returned home, only to find my 4-year-old son has backtracked his way down the poop chute to square one. Okay, square 2. For more than 30 days, he's refused to have a bowel movement voluntarily. This single milestone, potty training, has evaded success in this house for nearing a year to date.

Don't get me wrong...I've successfully potty trained before. My daughter, who, at 7, is proving that she came to Earth a ripe 17 years-of-mind, literally hopped onto the potty, chucked her Pull-Ups, and started school. All at the tender age of 2 (12, in "her" years). And, well, I'm quite skilled at potty usage. So, that's at least 2 people I've potty-trained.

However, THIS kid here...different story. Everyone has always said to me "potty training boys is MUCH harder than girls". That's the understatement of the year.

The last 12+ months have led me to create this blog. Here, lucky readers will find out about everything they've never wanted to know. Things like, what IS the difference between a laxative and a stool softener? Is leaky discharge considered a "bowel movement"? Suppositories VS. Enemas: The Showdown. Yessir, "The Poop Scoop".

Come, join the fun. Feel free to add to the discussion. I know for a fact that I'm not the only parent trying to figure out a path to success, without totally fudging up my kid psychologically during the (lengthy) process. Potty training is a shitty job. Let's do it together.

Kwepie Poopie

Me: "Hey Babe! I need you to draw up an image for me. It's for my new blog. I need an unoffensive pile of poop. The swirly kind. Think Kewpie hair. And put Kewpie eyes on it too. And build cheeks into the swirly dung,k?"

Me: "I'm guessing by your lack of response, you are ROTFLYAO right now..."

Me: "Hello?"